Custard, gravy and wetsuit pissing.
Why you should avoid the bland and vacuous.
Ok, first things first.
I quite like a bit of custard or a nice gravy the odd time. You probably do too.
And yes full disclosure, I may have pissed in a wetsuit. Just like you (🤞 😳).
But hear me out.
Let’s talk about custard.
The word can be traced back to the French term croustade, which referred to crusty tarts (excuse me?) filled with meat or fruit and an egg sauce. This, in turn, is from the Latin crustāre meaning to encrust. It was hijacked by the English and used as a term to describe sweetened milk combined with thickening egg, that typically contains sugar and vanilla. Before you loose your shit, yes, there‘s’ savoury custards too, but let’s not get distracted. And yes, a well made custard, with a real vanilla pod, is delicious. But the custard I grew up with was Bird’s. Made from powder or bought pre made in a pack. My memories of it, was liberally poured over deserts to the point that the nature of the desert became irrelevant. What remained was a custard symphony. A sort of a forgettable sweet nothingness. Used inappropriately and excessively. We surrendered to it.
Right, let’s move on to gravy.
Gravy can trace its roots back to the mis-spelling of the old French word grané, which meant properly grained or seasoned. Which in turn came from the Latin granum. Grané was turned to gravé and referred to the natural cooking juices that flowed from roasting meat. Now gravy, it commonly describes the pale sauce we’re more familiar with. The combination of flour, butter and meat juices. Or worse, the granulated or powdered Bisto version, again from the 80s. Gravy, like custard, was (and still is) poured over a roasted dinner so recklessly that a meal became a thick soup. A kind of savoury sameness.
Ok, now let’s talk about pissing in wet suits.
I’m borrowing this from someone else (can’t remember who) but their point was that when you jump into cold water, some short term relief can be found in pissing in your wet suit (if you’re wearing one). It makes you feel warm and good momentarily but obviously in the long run, it’ll stink. They used the idea to describe the growing obsession with brand purpose. And the nothingness that can result in plastering a lot of meaningless vacuous words onto a business, without any real substance or commitment.
What do custard, gravy and wet suit pissing have in common?
Well, when I started doing brand work, I made mistakes.
Early on I chose to use custard and gravy, because they were easy.
Easy to understand. Easy for people to “get”. So, easy to sell.
I smothered business stories with word custard and gravy. And drowned out all their natural flavour.
And while I did, we pissed in our wetsuits and momentarily felt happy together.
Custard and gravy are lazy.
They miss out on a multitude of real, unique, authentic flavours.
They patronise the palette.
And pissing in wetsuits is well, you know, disgusting. And unwise.
Yesterday, a global consultancy firm rebranded and used the line “We create growth through relevance at the speed of life.”
This, I think, demonstrates my point.
It’s custard and gravy.
Served hoping you‘re happily pissing in your wet suit too.
